Fear Life

Why do we fear death?
Death is easy, inviting
A final gasp and all is gone
Stillness and peace

It’s life we should fear
Bustling with disappointment
Throbbing with heartache
And lit with rejection

Loneliness walks in every crowd
Friendships dance on knife blades
Ready to slip and be sliced off
No matter how dearly we cling to it

Life cons us to believe in it’s worth
But nothing has meaning
Joy is fleeting and silenced
Hope is naive and shrivels

No, don’t fear death and it’s sweet release
Fear life, and rebirth that perpetuates the damnation

What do you want me to say?

“Why aren’t you responding?” you ask
As if you’re ready to hear my answer
“What’s wrong?” you ask
As if your questioning would heal my heart

What do you want me to say?
Do you want me to tell you
That I’m a loser with no friends
Who spends every evening in tears

Would that sate your curiosity?
Do you want me to tell you
That I hate my job so much
The only way I can get to sleep is to cry until my soul is spent

Would you question me more?
Do you want me to tell you
That  everything I try to stop the pain
Only plunges the knife deeper

Would you stop then?
Do you want me to tell you
How I dream of ending my life
And have been on the verge of suicide for 8 months

Would you finally back away?
Do you want me to tell you
That nothing in this world means anything to me
And I would throw everything away for a moments peace

Are you happy now?
Do you want me to tell you
The only reason I’m still alive
Is because I’m also a coward

I see you leaving. Good.
You don’t want me to tell you
How much you hurt me
How much I expected it all along



Let me sleep a slumber and never wake
Let me dim the lights to eternal darkness
Let the grating sound of my being run silent

Stop the beating and breathing and moving
Stop the crying and hurt and despair
Stop the lonely isolation that is my curse

Deliver me I plead from all that is remaining
For I am not yet strong enough to deliver myself
Cowardice stays my hand and frustrates my soul

Broken one last time

One day I’ll break for the last time
The mended pieces of me shattered
Into lonely shards of painful regret
Covering the barrenness of a desolate soul

Like a clumsy sculptor
Dipping the glue wand into an old jar
I’ll find nothing but dried up hope
And know – I’ll never be whole again

The day draws near
Already I can feel hardened chips in my salve
That portend an inevitable despair
Leaving my restoration forever unfinished

The task is too hard and my tools inadequate
Today I’ll stay half-broken, tomorrow yet more
Soon I will break for the last time
And say my final goodnight


It’s hard to sing when the music in your soul has died
It’s hard to feel when you’ve lost touch with the world
It’s hard to see when your vision of the future has faded

Is it hardship that creates the sweetest song, the softest touch, the boldest vision?

Foreverness of Abandonment

As I examine my heart
I’m dismayed to find
A selfish, hateful beating part
Of this body that I call mine.

Overflowing with loathing hurt
The sting of genuine rejection
Stir emotions in disconcert
Bringing nightmares of false affection.

Alone my deepest cries
Surrounded by empty luxury
And the disapproval of their despise
Write in bloodstained ink my life’s summary


It’s s not a garment that can be shed
At it’s first inconvenience
Nor a hairstyle to be changed
As the fashion of one’s soul drifts

It’s the dull texture of your born-with eye color
And the pallid hue of your skin
Meaningless is forever yours to own
Until swept away by the sweet embrace of death

The Truth

For a moment all my distractions fell away
Like raindrops that reflect medleys of color
Dripping off rusty iron relics of happier days
And dribbling slowly into the sewage depths

There’s nothing left but a faint echo
Not even a memory of the idyllic rainbow remains
Here I stand in stark contrast to the mirthful day
Without the rain to hide myself I finally see

The awful truth of my being clangs wearily
The demons of my soul wail in mournful symphony
The honesty of their accusations rips my being apart
Leaving nothing but the husk that is me

I long for release from this torture of being
I pray for deliverance from my twisted existence
I implore the great divine for mercy
But I am undeserving and damned

Damned to live an eternity as the horror I call mine
Damned to know the exquisite pain of self
Damned forever to languish in my truth
Flailing inconsequentially against the fate I was born to

I look with eagerness to the skies longing for rain
For a day, an hour, or just a moment of distraction
For just a brief respite from the torment of who I am
But the sky is clear and all I can see is my forsaken truth

Small hands grasping

Hands grasping for what you cannot feel
The invisible strands of an imagined existence
Sifts through my fingers like smoke
Leaving nothing but a faint, unpleasant odor

I plumb the depths inside looking for myself
There’s nothing there but dust from an unlived life
That I sweep up and gingerly offer to the wind
The last remains of my worthlessness float away

Heart reaching for what can’t be real
Searching for a personal victory that will not come
Another bell, another bought, another losing fight
Bloodied and beaten I crawl away

Mind straining with what you cannot comprehend
Loneliness washes over my shore of many friends
You’re done girl, washed up, too broke to mend
Even this writing fails to share my anguish

A husk of humanity
Forever walking this earth in despair